please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
