I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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