Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
