I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
