I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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