this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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