So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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