this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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