nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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