idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
