I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
