how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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