He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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