I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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