i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
