i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
