twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
