Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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