Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
