I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
