why didn't you poke me back
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
time to smoke my breakfast
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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