what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
