I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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