A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
