Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
