hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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