We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
