I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
