I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
