I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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