there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
