He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
