just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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