I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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