Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
