I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
