also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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