Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
