there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
