Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Randomize
