she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
it hurts more in the daytime
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
