Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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