I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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