I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
