Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
