Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
