if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
