I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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