Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The uberlube is also flammable
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
