i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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