I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
