Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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