So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The Olympian is in my bed
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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